Rita Pierson is present to the awesome power of relationship, connection, and looking through the lens of possibility. She sums it up by saying that every kid needs a champion. I say, that every one of us, adult and child, needs a champion. What kind of champion? Rita provides the answers in her inspiring talk, which I wish to share with you today.
Here are some quotes that speak to me, perhaps they will speak to you as well.
“You know that kids don’t learn from people that they don’t like!”
“Throw in a few simple things like seeking first to understand as opposed to being understood.”
“You say it long enough, it starts to be a part of you.”
“You see -18 sucks all the life out of you, +2 says I aint all bad.”
“You know Mrs Walker you made a difference in my life. You made it work for me. You made me feel like I was somebody when I knew at the bottom I wasn’t. And I want you to see what I’ve become…”
“She left a legacy of relationships that could never disappear. Can we stand to have more relationships? Absolutely….”
“There is too much anger, and distrust, and fear out there. I’d like the world to be a better place..” Thomas Weller
Sometimes one person who takes action is more inspiring than thousands of sermons or a library of books. With that in mind I wish to share this short video with you.
We go about living as if life is simple. We assume that life is black and white. We assume that reality and truth is one dimensional, and not multi-dimensional. We assume that we can access ultimate reality and truth. We asume that the way that we see it and speak it, is that way that it is. And we are oblivious to these assumptions. As such, we show up in the world and operate from these assumptions. In doing so we generate conflict, we fracture relationships, and we hinder our ability to be effective in the world as it is.
Is there an alternative? Yes, there is and it starts with getting a profound truth about our existence in this world. It is the kind of truth that is pointed out in the following parable:
The Mulla Nasruddin [a wise fool in sufi teaching stories] was sitting court one day. A husband and wife came to the court to settle the matter of who should be in charge of their son’s education. The wife argued that she should be given sole custody, giving many fine reasons to support her view. Mulla Nasruddin said, “You are absolutely correct!” Then the husband spoke to defend his position. In response, Mulla Nasruddin exclaimed, “You are absolutely correct!”. Immediately, a cleric in the back of the court stood up and cried out, “Nasruddin, they both can’t be right!” To which Mulla Nasruddin replied, “You are absolutely correct!”
Is it possible that each and everyone of us has some access to truth? Is it possible that there is some truth in everything? Is it possible that despite our best efforts all we can ever arrive at is some approximation to truth? And what would be possible if each and everyone of us showed up in the world being present to and living these questions?
When you and I came forth from this world we came forth naked. Totally naked: without any and all labels. No name, no gender, no nationality, no religion, no politics…
So how did you and I end up with such a strong identity? An identity that grips us. An identity that permeates us. More accurately, identity that is us. It simply happened didn’t it as we travelled through the years with people, from one place to another? Would it be correct to say that the foundations of my identity, your identity, our identity was solidly in place before you and I were in a place to choose, to discriminate, to accept or decline the garments of identity thrust upon us by our parents, family, caregivers?
I ask you to take a good look at the core of your identity? What do you see? Do you see ‘man’, ‘woman’, ‘American’, ‘Brit’, ‘christian’, ‘muslim’, ‘atheist’, ‘painter’, ‘mom’, ‘CEO’, ‘marketer’….? Please go and look beyond that. What do you see?
If you look deep enough and have the courage to see, to listen, I say that you are most likely to find that the core of your identity is that of ‘being defective’. Is that not our common humanity at the most fundamental level? You and I see ourselves as ‘defective’, as ‘not good enough’, as ‘something is wrong about me’. Right? I get that my version of defective may be that ‘I am not good looking’ and that ‘my body is weak’ and that ‘stupid’. Your identity might be that you are ‘too tall’, ‘too fat’, ‘too shy’, ‘not considerate enough’, ‘poor’… Do you notice that the details differ and the bigger game is the same between us? I am defective: I am not whole, I am not complete, I am not perfect.
You and I were born without identity, born naked of all labels, born naked full stop. Naked! So how did you go from no identity, and the lightness and freedom that goes with that, to carrying the huge burden that goes with operating from the stance ‘I am not whole, not complete, not perfect’? We were programmed. Why? So that we would fit in with the existing order. So that we would better comply with the wishes of those more powerful than us. Right?
How is it working out? Put differently, what is the experience of my life, your life, lived from the context of ‘not whole, not complete, not perfect’? It is that of looking for all kinds of way to be whole, be complete, be perfect. That is what all the self-help books are about, right? That is what all the status brands and conspicuous consumption is about, right? That is what all the pre tense of being perfect and having a perfect life is all about, right?
I say to me, to you, to us, what fools we are! We can simply give up the game. We can give it up right now, just like that. How exactly? Notice, that we were born naked, without labels, without identity. Notice, that identity is a choice. You and I can choose to live from another identity, another context. Which one? Where I declare myself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’, and you declare yourself as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Let’s not stop there. Let’s declare all of our fellow human beings ‘whole-complete-perfect’.
Imagine how life would show up if you and I did declare ourselves as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Imagine how life would be if you and I declared each and every human being as ‘whole-complete-perfect’. Not as a truth but as an identity that we give ourselves. And as a stand from which we show up and operate from this world. When we relate to ourselves and our fellow human beings as ‘whole-complete-perfect’ a totally new dimension of conversation and action shows up for us; you, me, everyone. We stop being small! We are free to be BIG: to give wings to our dreams, to act on the world, to co-create a world that works, a world that is wonderful for us all.
Given that we come forth naked of identity, why is it that we have not been conditioned to believe and operate from stand-identity of being at our most fundamental level ‘whole-complete-perfect’? If we had been conditioned that way, we would operate as ‘gods’ right? What if those that condition don’t want ‘gods’ and instead want ‘slaves’ who do not know that they are enslaved? Then giving us the identity of being ‘defective and weak’ would make perfect sense. So I say choose: slave or god.
Still convinced that you know yourself? Still convinced that you are defective, small, weak, and powerless? I invite you to watch the following video:
I like to be right about being right about being right….
Am I addicted to being right about being right?
It occurs to me that I have just told a lie, so let me put it more accurately.
I am addicted to being right,
I am addicted to being right about being right,
I am addicted to being right about being right about being right …
Are we addicted to being right about being right?
I say that you are addicted to being right. Why am I confident that what shows up as being true for me is also true for you? Because you and are both human beings; the same human machinery runs us. Standing in this place it occurs to me that I still haven’t told the ‘truth’. So let me see if I can get nearer to the truth. I say:
It is in the nature of the human machinery that runs us,
to be addicted to being right,
And being right about being right,
And being right about being right about being right ….
What is the cost of being right about being right?
Yet, you and I are not merely human machinery. We have the capacity to transcend the human machinery. How? By seeing the human machinery. By being present, at the level of feeling, with the cost of the human machinery. Right now I am present to the cost of being right about being right …..
What is the cost? The cost is the lack of affinity between myself and me wife. The cost is a certain melancholy that is present right now in my house of being. The cost is a wasted evening yesterday. And a day without intimacy-friendship-laughter-joy today.
The choice facing me, facing you
I have a question for me, for you, for us. What is the cost each of us have paid for being right? What is the cost each of us have paid for being right about being right? How many relationships have we sacrificed? How much affinity have we given up? How much joy have we given up?
And what is the cost am I, are you, are we, paying right now for being right about being right?
All of which reminds me of something I heard in Landmark Education some 10 years ago:
A lot of pain has been present in my living over this last week. So much physical pain that I have done little even though I had plans to do a lot. Truthfully, I have been much less than I aspire to be. I found myself distant from my family. I have found myself being snappy with one of my son’s. I found myself just wanting to be left alone to deal with my pain. And when it got too hard I took the easy way out: I took muscle relaxants which eased the pain and knocked me out.
And in this very week, what shows up in my world? Inspiration. Heart touching-moving inspiration from two sources. The first is from “the happiest man in the world”. And the second is from 12 year old Jessie Joy Rees.
The happiest man in the world
I find myself watching this man, listening to him and being captivated. Captivated by what? His stance in life. The way he shows up in life. The way he counts his blessing. His philosophy of life. His wisdom. I am clear that he gets it. And as such I am delighted that I have come across him.
Jessie Joy Rees and the Joy Jars
What can I say? I find myself watching this video and there are tears running down my cheeks. I am inspired to ask this question:
How can I help them?
I have a question for you: how can I help you? Please think about it and let me know.
It is easy for me to say that I care. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy for me to reassure you that everything will be fine. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy to tell you what to do. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy to go out and buy stuff for you. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy for me to give you money. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
It is easy for me to fix it for you. It is something else entirely to show up in your world as one who cares.
Genuine listening is the foundation of caring and relationship
I thank you for teaching me that listening is caring. What kind of listening? When I listen to you as person of worth. When I listen to you as person who matters. When I stop everything that I am thinking-speaking-doing and sit there. Sit there doing what? Being a listening for you – wherever you are at, whatever you are thinking, whatever you are feeling, whatever you are needing, whatever you are requesting of me and the world
When through my listening I create a space for you to show up and express yourself fully. To speak that which is there to be spoken. Then you feel gotten. And when you feel gotten you feel connected with me and vice versa. When you feel connected you feel loved. When you feel loved you feel that you matter, that you are safe, that you have a safe platform to take risks.
It occurs to me that if each of us provided empathic listening to the people closest to us, at home, at work, in the local community, then our experience of living would be transformed and collectively we would end up transforming the world.
I invite you to join me in being a source of empathic listening. Being a stand for empathic listening. Just listening: not reassuring, not advising, not telling, not fixing…. just empathic listening of one heart to another heart.
Oh and I get that it is hard. And is it not that way for the baby that struggles to walk. Does the baby give up each time s/he falls? Does the baby stay content with just crawling just because s/he falls down and hurts herself? Just about everything shows up as hard until it becomes us and then it is easy even automatic.
If you are wondering what I am making such a big fuss about then I leave you with this quote from Dorothy Moore:
When you ask someone when was the last time a person listened to you, they often can’t even give you an answer. Listening, really listening, is the key to caring!
We spent a large part of last weekend at the home of our friends: Gisela, James, and Jasper. As Gisela says, it is our home in the countryside. It strikes me that coming from someone else this would strike me as mere words, intentions, or simply being nice, being polite. Yet, Gisela’s words do not show up that way for me: they show up for me as truth – my home in the countryside.
What is it about Gisela, James, and Jasper that leaves me feeling loved and loving them as I do?
1. I notice that there is genuine joy in their being when I show up in their home. And vice versa.
2. It never occurs to me that I am being judged: right-wrong, good-bad… And I do not judge them. What is presence is acceptance and the space that creates for us: to simply be.
3. One-upmanship is absent: nobody is out to show that they are better, or not, than anyone else. Yes, we rejoice in each others gifts. And we leave it at that: there is no judgement about those gifts. We take delight in each other, not judgement/evaluation.
4. I am not being advised nor educated about life. Nor am I being questioned or interrogated. There simple is no space in our being for that kind of conversation to show up.
5. Nothing shows up as being forced. It does not occur to me that anyone is doing their best to please others against their own feelings-needs. It occurs to me that there is an absence of pretence. And as a result there is a certain ease and gracefulness.
6. There no faking, no bullshitting, no preening, no grandstanding, no falseness going on – none that I pick up or have picked up yet. What there is, is, even if it is deemed to be “bad” or “inappropriate” by conventional wisdom and morality
7. We share. We share the shopping if there is shopping to be done. We share the cooking if there is cooking to be done. We share our speaking and listening. We share our joy in being present with one another. We share smiles. We share hugs. We share what we have found on TED, or elsewhere, that speaks to us. We share the joys, challenges, disappointments and heartaches of life: that which works and that which does not work in our lives.
8. Smiles, hugs, laughter and even play is present. And what an amazing difference that makes. To get up in the morning and be greeted with genuine warmth/affection made visible through smiles and hugs.
I am left asking myself, “What if I showed up for all the people in my life, the way that I show up with Gisela-James-Jasper?” And the thought occurs that it would be “Awesome”. What a way to show up in the world!
It occurs to me that if you and I treat everyone that we meet the way we treat our very best friends then together we would transform our lives and the world. What do you say?
Laurence Platt over at Conversations For Transformation (Inspired by the Ideas of Werner Erhard) has written a fabulous piece: The Illusion of I. Here I simply wish to share with you the two paragraphs which occur as being particularly enlightening about life:
Try this on for size: the world doesn’t work when run as a “you or me” world. It’s not designed to be run that way. And if we unknowingly try to run it as a “you or me” world when it clearly doesn’t work as a “you or me” world, there’s no use claiming we didn’t know it doesn’t work as a “you or me” world. That doesn’t fix it. That doesn’t make it work any better. For the world to work, a shift is required in what we don’t know about making it work.
At the heart of what we don’t know about making the worldwork, is an error akin to unknowingly trying to run a diesel powered Mercedes-Benz with gasoline. Running the “you and me” world unknowingly as if it’s a “you or me” world, is this error. This error is based on an illusion. Yes an illusion. It’s the illusion of I. I is an illusion. And it’s the illusion of I which leads to individual territoriality instead of individual co-operation – which leads to political parties’ territoriality instead of political parties’ co-operation, which leads to nations’ territoriality instead of nations’ co-operation.
This is what I make Laurence’s essay mean:
We are given birth, embedded in, and living in a ‘you AND me’ world. A world where relationship-interdependence-unity is built into the very fabric/structure/working of the world. In such a world cooperation and collaboration is the way.
Yet our language, our training, our way of being-doing in the world is to operate from a ‘you OR me’ context. We divide the world into you and me. And spend the rest of our lives competing with each other - ’you OR me’ – and feeling disconnected from one another, and sometimes life itself.
The major issues that show up in our world – personal life, family, work, community, the world – arise from operating from a ‘you OR me’ context when we live in ‘you AND me’ world.
Shifting from the ‘you OR me’ way of being-in-the-world to a ‘you AND me’ way of being-in-the-world gives us access for transforming the quality of life, for all, on this planet that gives us life. And making this shift personally and inspring-empowering others to do so is the ultimate act of leadership.
There is a young man called Jasper. He is the son of my friends Gisela and James. There is a big difference in age between Jasper and me. He is still playing with toy cars and watching cartoons. Yet, I find that I love being with him. In particular, I love the way that he is in my presence – comfortable. And the way he hugs me – with love, complete love.
This week a questions grabbed me: why is it that Jasper shows up as so special for me? It hit me that Jasper is a bundle of love. That is what he is for me – a bundle of love.
As I got present to this another question came up: why does this bundle of love make such a huge impact on me? And then the following three words came up from deep inside me and took me by surprise: “I am love!”. And getting present to this insight took me back to my childhood – before I came over to the UK.
At first I struggled with this – to accept this. A part of me stepped in to say “This world is no place for someone whose being is I am love!” And I got to see what had happened to “I am love!” and how it got suppressed.
Now, I get what is so. What is so is ”I am love”.
“I am love!” Yes, I can be with that. Being with that I can choose better strategies to express “I am love!”
What are you? When you strip away the layers that you have built over yourself, then what are you?
When you and I are first given our part on the stage of life, life shows up as wondrous. We live in possibility. More accurately, we are infinite possibility. Nothing occurs as unreasonable, unrealistic, naive, silly. We are not present to criticism. Nor have we suffering rejection. Slowly and surely possibility is driven out of us and its place is taken up with right/wrong, good/wrong, appropriate/not appropriate, success/failure. And our house of being is filled with shame, guilt, duty, obligation..
Today, I’d like to get each and every one of us present to possibility once more. What is possible in the music business if you allow yourself to be vulnerable and simply ask? That is the answer that Amanda Palmer shares in this fabulous TED talk. I challenge you not to be touched-moved-inspired-uplifted.
This talk gets me present to that which is much neglected: asking/receiving can be a source of contribution when our asking shows up as giving. The kind of giving that generates possibility – a possibility that enables connection and mutual contribution – and enables a transformation in our experience of living.
Is it possible that the defining act of leadership is generating possibilities that call to our fellow human beings, engender connection, and create an opening for people to join together and co-create a world that works for us all, none excluded?
Am I willing, are you willing, to put in that which is required to play the game of possibility, transformation & leadership? What am I pointing at? The courage to connect with our deepest call, the courage to respond to this call, the courage to be vulnerable – to share that which calls us and ask for our fellow human beings to contribute.
Put differently, are you and I willing to generate the courage to ‘play BIG’ and give up ‘playing small’? To choose to be ‘extraordinary’ and risk criticism, even abuse, rather than stay comfortable (and dead) in the ordinary?
What does it take to be a source of contribution? Does it take advising? Does it take fixing? Does it take doing?
It occurs to me that I can be a source of contribution by simply being present and listening to the other. What kind of listening? Non-judgemental listening. Listening without any fixing. Listening without any telling. Listening without bringing myself into it. Listening that keeps the light/attention on the person who is doing the speaking. Always on the person doing the speaking.
I just got off a call. It is not an everyday kind of call. It was an extraordinary call. A call that showed up as a contribution in lives. And it is left me humbled.
The first person I spoke with was in pain. Not as much pain as she was this morning. This morning she cried over the phone. This evening she did not cry, she shared. I listened. I listened to her story: of illness; of disappointments; of struggle; of her shame; and the actors that bring her this suffering and heap this shame.
All the time that I was being listening stuff showed up that needed to be dealt with. Whose stuff? What stuff? The stuff was thoughts, urges, fixed ways of being/doing. My thoughts, my urges, my fixed ways of being/doing. The temptation to advise was strong. The temptation to fix was strong. The temptation to minimise her suffering was strong. And I was in a clearing where I could see this stuff clearly, let it arise, grasp it not, and so let it fall away.
What showed up after this conversation? I noticed that I had allowed myself to get enrolled in her story. Specifically, I noticed that I had hostile feelings toward a number of actors who behaving badly were the cause of her suffering, her tears. The next conversation was with one of these actors.
I noticed that I entered into the next conversation reluctantly. Truthfully, I did not want to speak to him. He showed up for me as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and thus ‘undeserving’ of my time, my listening, my love. And I simply asked “How are you?” – letting go of the passion to give him a telling off.
He told his story and in the telling of his story he shared his pain and suffering. He burst into tears. I found myself connected with him through his pain and suffering. I felt his pain, his suffering. Again, the urge to fix the situation arose and tried to hook me. It fell away, I refused to grasp it. I simply listened and in the listening got his pain, his suffering. I just listened. And kept encouraging him to talk. Why was this necessary?
He did not want to take up my time. He did not want me to worry for him. He did not want to cause me pain and suffering on his account. Ten or so minutes later, he was cried out. He was no longer carrying his pain and his suffering had lessened. He told me that he loves me. He told me that my existence matters to him. He told me that he wants to be near me – to get a hug. He told me that he never wants me to die.
A tear falls from my heart and my face. What is the cause of this tear? I did nothing. I just listened. I just let the other person tell his story and share his pain/suffering. I just said “I am sad to hear that you are in pain. I am sad that it hasn’t worked out the way you wanted it to work out. I wish I could fly over and give you big hug. I love you. And will it work for you if I ring you tomorrow and they day after?”
I am present to this: listening, pure listening, listening with compassion, shows up as huge source of contribution to the person who gets s/he has been listened to. And to me too.
I am the being of a father. I choose to be the being of a father. As such concerns show up when it comes to all of the children. And I notice, in particular as regards daughter, Clea. Why?
She is at that age, 12 years old, where there is the change in biology occurring. And at the same time she is acted upon by strong social forces. The kind of social forces that make, bend, break us.
So it was with delight that I read the following piece. A piece written by daughter where she asks a powerful question – perhaps the most powerful question of all.
Reflections
A chair small. I guess it’s how others interpret it cause in the reflection of the chair it’s tall and big. A bit like humans.
Humans. There is what we are. And there is our reflection, how other people see us.
But let me ask you this, which one is more important? In our days everyone cares about their reflection: how other people see them.
But is it useful just having/being a reflection? I mean is it useful having a reflection of a chair? I think it is more useful just having the chair, the real chair.
Humans, it is more useful to have/be the real you than your reflection because your reflection is worth nothing to you.
So today ask yourself this question “To be me or to be my reflection?”
After watching the film The Impossible I found myself to have been affected rather profoundly. Put differently, I found myself to be ‘all shaken up’.
What shook me was the humanity that showed up in that devastation, that suffering. What showed up for me was how little of a contribution that I am making in the world. What shook me up was the level of pain that is in the world and what little I do to help my fellow wo/man in being with / dealing with pain/suffering. In short, I showed up for myself as a failure. Perhaps, even a hypocrite.
So I found myself with tears running down my face. Being with what was so I found myself tired/exhausted. And, I feel asleep in the lounge whilst getting hugs from daughter and one of the sons.
Some hours later I woke up and looked at the coffee table that was next to me. What did I find? I found a box of tissues and this note:
This note cheered me up. I was touched by the love of daughter for me. Then as I got up off the sofa that I was lying on and made my way to the mantlepiece I found my glasses and the following:
By now I was deeply touched. It occurred to me that perhaps I have not failed to be/make the kind of contribution that I say I am committed to making. Perhaps, just perhaps, I may be a decent human being doing. This cheered me up.
As I looked around the room and specifically the dining table I found some stuff. I wondered why that stuff was there. Who had put it there and why? Then I moved closer to the table and found this waiting for me:
At this point I found myself laughing out loud. Why? I was totally present to the love that exists between daughter and myself. It occurred to me that real love exists between daughter and me. In that space I got that I matter, I make a difference. And as long as my living makes a difference to even one being then my life is not wasted. Nor am I failure. It occurred to me that the future is wide open to being invented and lived for as long as I have this gift of a life – including the love that I am blessed with.
As I made my way around the rest of the house – the kitchen, the stairs, the bathroom, I found more notes from daughter saying the same “I love you! from Clea”. And in that moment, I got that this is real love. I got how blessed I am and in getting that I found my being transformed: I straightened up, I was taller, a positive outlook gripped me, smiles and joy were present….
I can become crazy annoyed with one of my sons. What in particular presses my buttons and has me hopping mad? He is talking about something, sharing something, asking for something, complaining about something. Listening, I say something like “Enough. I don’t want to hear any more. Stop. This is not the time. No more!” What does he do? He continues on interrupted.
What do I take that to mean? I give it many interpretations, many stories. And it goes something like this: he does not respect me; he is selfish; he lacks social skills; he is stupid! What does that give rise to? Either I leave the room or I put him down through labelling or I shout at him. Whilst I regret this later and apologise it is true that in the moment I feel justified, even righteous.
A funny thing happened today. Son asked me to take him to buy a torch. We enter the store, I ask one of the clerks and we get to the section where the torches are hanging. We pick a torch and head out to the cash tills to pay. It is late, towards closing time. With the torch in his hand son starts moving towards and checking each of the closed tills. I tell him they are closed. He continues. I go over take the torch from him head to the only staffed desk (Customer Services), pay and head for the car.
My son is already at the car. I open it and we both enter. And I say “Son it occurs to me that you lack common sense..” He stops me and say “I don’t want to hear it.” What do I do? I carry on uninterrupted. What does he say? He says “I told you I don’t want to hear it.” What do I do? I continue saying what I was saying without missing a word! What does he do? He puts his hands over his ears. What do I do? I continue speaking!
We get home. What hits me? It hits me for the very first time that I am a hypocrite. I have just done to my son that which I detest when he does it to me. Worse still, it hits me that this is not the first time I have done this. Then this question hits me hard: “Am I the cause of his behaviour? Did he learn it from me?”
The answer? Yes, it is highly likely that I am the cause in the matter of how my children show up: what they say, what they do, how they say it, how they do it….
What is present for me? A certain humility. A recognition that I am cause in the matter of my life. And that I am reaping that which I have sown – at least when it comes to the behaviour of wife, sons, and daughter. Sitting with that I am clear that there is no space for complaining to show up. Nor any space for me to play victim.
How about you? Where in your life are you the cause of that which shows up in your life and of which you get righteous and complain?
What gets in the way of relatedness and relationship?
Judgement is an automatic way of being in the world. When we judge we carve up ‘that which is’, into ready-made buckets given to us by language, cultural practices, and our particular stand/situation. And when we do this we are no longer face to face with ‘that which is’.
Actually, you/I are NEVER face to face with reality – that which is just as it is. Why? Because the carving up of reality takes place without us being present to doing the carving up! So you/I are firmly planted in the conviction that what is before us is that which is – reality pure and naked.
Given that is our already always taken for granted stand in the world it is easy to see how relatedness and relationship suffers. I make you wrong when you do not see. You make me wrong when I do not see what you see. And from that place we withdraw from one another creating distance. Or we attack one another, bent on being right and proving the other wrong. If that cannot be done through word then we resort to fighting.
The way out of this trap: ‘look out of the other’s window’
I say the access to relatedness and relationship is to get that life/reality cannot ever be grasped accurately. At the very best you/I are travelling through the ‘woods of life’ and how life, how the world, shows up depends on where you/I are in those woods and in which direction we are looking.
Or as Irvin Yalom says ‘Look out the other’s window.’ What does he mean? Here is what he says in his book The Gift of Therapy:
“Decades ago I saw a patient with breast cancer ….. been locked in a long, bitter struggle with her naysaying father. Yearning for some form of reconciliation …. she looked forward to her father’s driving her to college – a time when she would be alone with him for several hours.
But the long-anticipated trip proved to be a disaster: her father behaved true to form by grousing at length about the ugly, garbage littered creek by the side of the road. She, on the other hand, saw no litter whatsoever in the beautiful, rustic, unspoilt stream. She could find no way to respond and eventually, lapsing into silence, they spent the remainder of the trip looking away from each other.
Later, she made the same trip alone and was astounded to note that there were two streams – one on each side of the road. ‘This time I was the driver’, she said sadly, ‘and the stream I saw through my window on the driver’s side was just as ugly and polluted as my father had described it’.
But by the time she learned to look out of her father’s window, it was too late – her father was dead and buried.’
Last words
Please get that we NEVER have access to that which is. That kind of access is NOT available to us. What shows up for us is determined by our biology. What shows up for us is shaped by our the assumptions and categories build into our language. What shows up for us is determined by our culture – the cultural practices. What shows up for us is a function of where we are standing at a particular point in our journey of life.
If you/I are present to this then we have access to WOW. What am I pointing out? WOW, how extraordinary that the world, that which is, shows up differently and uniquely to each and every human being. Let’s find out how the world shows up for my mother, father, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, colleagues, boss…… Let me see what you see through your window. How extraordinary! When you/I stand in that place we stand in the place of wonder, relatedness and relationship.
Be humble. How you see it is NOT ‘the way it is’! You NEVER see it ‘the way that it is’! Be humble, listen to the other, respect the other: strive to look through the other’s window. Do that and you will never be alone, never walk alone.
What is this phenomenon called love? Investigate this phenomenon and you will find that it is not just one experience (phenomenon). No, it is manifold, many different experiences (phenomena) hidden under one label – love.
What are these manifold experiences housed and mingled together under this umbrella called love? There is the experience of desire which is more accurately labelled lust. And as lust is not acceptable, given our cultural practices, it is called love. There is plain sex and that is called ‘love’ or ‘making love’. There is ownership – in the sense of I have exclusive rights to you, your body, your sexuality, your resources, your time – and that is also called love …. and there is love as in care and caring.
It occurs to me that we would help love to flourish if we reserved love only for authentic care for another. What kind of care? Care for their wellbeing – in the physical, emotional and spiritual domains of life and living. Whilst I can talk about this it is better to get there more concretely. Allow me to give you an example.
In the morning as I was headed out to spend a few days away from home I was got a surprise. What kind of surprise? On one of the doors leading to the outside, a door I have to go through, I found a note for me. What kind of note? This note:
My wellbeing requires me to start the day by taking the Levothyroxine tablet. And to end the day by taking a statin tablet. That is just so. And more than once I have left my tablets at home. So my son, late at night, after I had gone to bed had written this reminder for me and left it where he knew I would see it. Why did he do that? Because he cares for me – he loves me.
Now, here is the thing to get. It is quite possible that my son felt strong feelings of love for me that night. And those feelings would not have shown up in my living nor made any difference. Why? Because I do not have access to his feelings. I do have access to his actions: I got present to the depth of his love when I saw this post it note and it moved me to tears of gratitude and joy!
I say that contrary to what the songs say love is not a feeling. No, love is verb – it is doing. Doing what? Doing that which contributes to the wellbeing of those we claim to love. And not doing that which gets in the way of the wellbeing of those we claim to love.
So you and I are confronted with choice: to live from the default context where love is a hodge podge of phenomena or to create and live from an ‘extraordinary’ context where we use the label love to mean love – love as in compassionate caring for the wellbeing of those we claim to love.
What choice will I make? What choice will you make? In making our choices we should be mindful that love – as in caring for the wellbeing of another – is the access to transformation: of my live, your life, our lives, of life as a whole.
I dedicate this post to my wife, Aldine. For me, my wife is the embodiment of that which I want to share with you in this post.
Christmas can be just a ritual we go through or it can be a time to get present. Present to what? Present to being of service and making difference. Who to? How about starting with the people who you/I are spending Christmas with. And then allowing ourselves to ripple out from there to touch all the people whose lives touch our lives, however briefly and lightly.
What does it take to make a difference?
What does it take to make a difference in our lives, in the lives of our fellow human beings, in the world within which we dwell? It takes courage. What kind of courage? Let’s listen to a master of the human condition:
“All it takes to make a difference is the courage to stop proving I was right in being unable to make a difference… to stop assigning cause for my inability to the circumstances outside of myself …… and to see that the fear of being a failure is a lot less important than the unique opportunity I have to make a difference.”Werner Erhard
What does it take to make a difference to the people whose lives we touch?
Our ordinary, default, way of showing up in the world does not lend itself to generating great relationships and making a difference. Why? Because, if you are like me then you are great with people when they are being great. And not at all great with people when they are not being great. Put differently and simply, if you are like me then you struggle to put up with people’s garbage – even at Christmas. What am I pointing at? I am pointing at the kind of stuff that people say and/or do that drives me up the wall.
Is there another way of showing up in the world that does allow us to be great with people, to generate great relationships, to make a difference. There is. Here is how Werner Erhard puts it:
“My notion about service is that service is actually that kind of relationship in which you have a commitment to the person. What I mean, in fact, is that for me what service is about is being committed to the other being. To who the other person is.
To the degree that you are, in fact, committed to the other person, you are only as valuable as you can deal with the other person’s stuff, their evidence, their manifestation, and that’s what’s service is about. Service is about knowing who the other person is and being able to tolerate giving space to their garbage. What most people do is to give space to people’s quality and deal with their garbage. Actually, you should do it the other way around. Deal with who they are and give space to their garbage.
Keep interacting with them as if they were God. And every time you get garbage from them, give space to garbage and go back and interact with them as if they were God.”
It occurs to me that over the last 20 years I have given my wife plenty of my garbage to deal with. And the only reason that we are still together is that she has a commitment to me (as a ’soul whose intentions are good’), to our marriage, and to our family. Out of this commitment she gives space to my garbage and keeps reminding me of who I am. And for that I am truly grateful!
And finally
I wish each and every one of you a great Christmas and the very best for the New Year. And I am clear that my wishes make no difference at all! Who makes the difference? You do!
How do you make the difference? By getting present to being the authors of your lives. By getting present to the fact that you matter in how you show up in the world. By generating the courage to stop proving that you are small and unable to make a difference. By being of service – the kind of service that Werner Erhard is pointing at.
Leadership always starts with leading oneself from the place of ‘victim’ to ‘author of one’s life’. From showing up as unable to make a difference to being committed to making a difference. From playing small to playing BIG!
It is so easy to notice what is missing in our lives especially when we swim in a culture where there is an agreement, an obsession, on what is missing. If you are wondering what I am talking about then think about what is wrong – with you, with your colleagues, with your friends, with your family, with your loved ones, with your work, with the economy, with government, with your society, with the world. You might be wondering what has ‘what is wrong’ to do with what is missing? Wrong signifies that something is missing – specifically, the state of perfection is missing.
Being fixated with that which is wrong/missing is the default way of being that goes with the ordinary way of being-in-the-world especially if you/I live in the most prosperous countries. This fixation leaves us feeling dissatisfied at best. At worst it can and does leave us frustrated, annoyed, angry and even bitter. That does not occur to me as being great places to be in.
I say that even in these difficult times you/I have so much to be grateful for! I say that even in these difficult times our lives are easy. I say that even in these difficult times we should take the time, especially as it is Christmas, to get present to how great it is and give thanks for existence just as it is and as it is not.
If your life shows up as difficult then what I say may occur as ‘happy talk’ at best. At worst, it may show up as a lack of sympathy for your suffering. I get that. So, I wish to share with you one of the most moving stories I have read during the course of 2012.
I say that if you make the time to read and be with this story you will be left moved-touched-grateful for the life that is yours. Here is a small abstract:
“As he hears me, he looks up and puts his hands on my cheeks. I pray that God would see this man and see his sufferings and that he would have mercy upon him. When I finish praying I kiss both his hands which are now wet from my tears, stand up, grab my bags and walk away.
When I get to the end of the street I look back to see that he has not moved. His face is in the dust again and I can see his back rise in small convulsions. He is sobbing.”
I invite you to read the full story here. I assure you that this story will touch your humanity, possibly move you tears, and leave you with a profound sense of gratitude for your life as it is and as it is not. How can I be so sure? This is what showed up for me; if you are reading this blog then I am confident that your humanity and my humanity overlap.
