Tag Archives: gratitude

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Shifting our focus from ‘what is missing/wrong’ to “wow, there is so much to be grateful for!”


It is so easy to notice what is missing in our lives especially when we swim in a culture where there is an agreement, an obsession, on what is missing.  If you are wondering what I am talking about then think about what is wrong – with you, with your colleagues, with your friends, with your family, with your loved ones, with your work, with the economy, with government, with your society, with the world.  You might be wondering what has ‘what is wrong’ to do with what is missing?  Wrong signifies that something is missing – specifically, the state of perfection is missing.

Being fixated with that which is wrong/missing is the default way of being that goes with the ordinary way of being-in-the-world especially if you/I live in the most prosperous countries.  This fixation leaves us feeling dissatisfied at best. At worst it can and does leave us frustrated, annoyed, angry and even bitter.  That does not occur to me as being great places to be in.

I say that even in these difficult times you/I have so much to be grateful for!  I say that even in these difficult times our lives are easy.  I say that even in these difficult times we should take the time, especially as it is Christmas, to get present to how great it is and give thanks for existence just as it is and as it is not.

If your life shows up as difficult then what I say may occur as ‘happy talk’ at best. At worst, it may show up as a lack of sympathy for your suffering.  I get that.  So, I wish to share with you one of the most moving stories I have read during the course of 2012.

I say that if you make the time to read and be with this story you will be left moved-touched-grateful for the life that is yours.  Here is a small abstract:

“As he hears me, he looks up and puts his hands on my cheeks. I pray that God would see this man and see his sufferings and that he would have mercy upon him. When I finish praying I kiss both his hands which are now wet from my tears, stand up, grab my bags and walk away.

When I get to the end of the street I look back to see that he has not moved. His face is in the dust again and I can see his back rise in small convulsions. He is sobbing.”

I invite you to read the full story here.  I assure you that this story will touch your humanity, possibly move you tears, and leave you with a profound sense of gratitude for your life as it is and as it is not.  How can I be so sure?  This is what showed up for me; if you are reading this blog then I am confident that your humanity and my humanity overlap.

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Dearest Clea, my message for you on your 12th birthday


Dearest Clea

On this day, your 12th birthday, I want you to know that love is present between you and me.  I do not choose to love you; love simply flows when I am with you or when I think of you.

I want you to know that you show up in my world like sunshine: you illuminate my life, you brighten my life, you turn up and there is joy present and a spring in my footstep and in my soul.

I want you to know that you show up as simply amazing!  I am amazed at how loving, how caring, how compassionate, how wise you are.  And I have to pinch myself to get present to the fact that you are only 12 years old.   Please know that I am so proud of you.

I want you to know that you can count on me to be here as both a stand for you to show up as great and make an awesome contribution to a ‘world that works, none excluded’. And you can count on me to be your safety net as you walk the tightropes in your life.  I say that you can count on me no matter what.  I say that you can share with me whatever you have to share with me no matter what.  I say that you can count on me to love you no matter what.

Twelve years ago a surprise came into my life, the best surprise that has ever showed up in my life.  You are that surprise.  And I am so grateful that you exist and that it is my privilege to be a father unto you and have you show up as a daughter unto me.

Now please handover your iPod touch – you have been staying up late and today you did not get up on time and I had to wake you.  You broke our agreement and I insist the price be paid.  You can count on me to give it back to you after seven days.  That is the way life works - there are always consequences, and they catch up with you sooner or later.

And finally, I thank you for the kindness that you have shown me and the joy that you have brought and continue to bring to my experience of living!

Your daddy (“Cuddly Bear”)

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On being thankful for what shows up in my life


Some years ago waking up at around 2am pain was present in my chest and breathing occurred as painful and difficult.  “Aha asthma attack, relax, focus on breathing, all will be ok”.  After waiting for ten minutes or so it did not get better, it got worse.  Walked to the windows, open them wide, stood there and breathed.  “This will make the difference, it has always done so before.”  It doesn’t make a difference, pain becomes worse, breather becomes shallower. “Am I going to die?”  Panic.  Then the

Thought arrives with absolute conviction “Time is running out, I am going to die this night”.  Absolutely calm.  “What is there to do before I die?”  Another thought “Ring the people closest to me, those that have contributed the most, the people who will miss my presence.”  Rang mobile phones and then peacefully waited for death to arrive.  Completely calm.   Later, knocking on the door.  Walked slowly down the stairs and opened the door.  “It’s my sister!”  She drives me to hospital, doctor does his stuff, I live.

More difficulty in making peace with ‘ill health’

Spent my childhood in and out of hospitals – didn’t like it one bit.  You can argue that I should be grateful:  ‘Ill health’ was the reason that my father bought my mother and us (2 boys) over to the UK from Pakistani administered Kashmir.  If that had not happened life would have turned out differently – probably would not be writing this.

Nonetheless, ‘ill health’ does not sit well with me, it shows up as unwanted, an unwelcome guest.  ‘Ill health’ signifies lack of control and dependency on others – detest not being in control, detest being dependent on others, that is the story of childhood.   “Death is preferable to being ill and dependent on others!”  That is what shows up for me again and again.  Looks life life has other plans.

Not been feeling well for the last month or so.  Ignored it at first and got on with stuff – work, reading, writing, playing… ‘Illness’ did not go away, just got stronger: stomach pain, loss of appetite, tiredness…… Difficult to concentrate on that which interests me including writing this blog. Not able to eat Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  Woke up this morning with stomach ache, could not eat, just had tea. Several hours later ate a banana.  Pain, more pain, more pain, toilet.  No lunch.  Mid afternoon: hunger.  Ate portion of omelette.  Pain, pain, pain – afternoon of pain.  I started to feel sorry for myself.

Be Thankful: a wonderful, uplifting poem delivered by a friend far away

Just when the temptation to play ‘victim’ to feel sorry for myself was the strongest, I received a gift from a friend:

BE THANKFUL

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Getting present to that which calls forth thankfulness/gratitude

All the days and times good health has been present

All the times when ‘ill health’ was present and the doctors and nurses who did their best to make me better

The delicious food I have eaten in restaurants around the world – Paris, Lyon, Nice, Marseille, Rome, Milan, London, Madrid, Lisbon, Stuttgart, Copenhagen, Amsterdam……

Fine, freshly cooked, delicious meals served by my wife for the last 17+ years – rare is the time that the food was not fresh, not delicious

The beautiful places that I have spent time in / trekked in: Yosemite, Arches National Park, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, The Pyrenees, The Alps, Lake Annecy, Lake Geneva, coastline of Senegal……

Sports played/enjoyed: tennis, badminton, table-tennis, cricket, football, trekking, cycling, paragliding – how great it is to be in the air hanging by a ‘thread’!

Today, grateful for the sunshine on my face, the bench in garden to rest upon, love and kindness that flows from daughter…..

Today, grateful for the care shown by doctors and that live in country where medical treatment is free.  Friend in USA is in similar condition and he has no access to healthcare – not rich enough for medical insurance, not poor enough for free medical care!

So much to be grateful for: beauty of flowers in the garden, the wonder/joy of music, ‘taking a course’ in existential philosophy via the iPad that was gifted to me by my sister, listening to the kind words of daughter, hug from daughter, can move, can write, can read, can touch, can be and do so much.

Grateful that am not in living hell like that which lived/experienced by JDB who found himself fully awake and locked into a ‘dead’ body.

Thankful and grateful for the life that had gone by, the life that is, the life that lies ahead.

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6 practices for cultivating (getting present to) happiness and contentment


Let’s assume that we, human beings, want to be happy and contented.  If that is indeed the case then what should we do to cultivate and/or get present to happiness in our experience of living.  That is to say what can we do to experience happiness rather than think and make a statement along the lines of “I am happy” without feeling happy.  Each of us has his or own ideas about what drives, causes, gives rise to the state of happiness.

What do research studies on happiness suggest?  Are the practices that have been scientifically proven to cultivate and/or get us present to happiness and contentment in our lives?  Yes.  If you have the time then read “The Happiness Hypothesis” by Jonathan Haidt and “The How of Happiness” by Sonja Lyubomirsky – I find the first a cracking read and inspiring, I find the latter a handy and practical reference book.  If you do not have the time then I simply wish to point you (and me) in the right direction by spelling out 6 happiness practices that have a scientifically sound basis.

1. Give Thanks (Gratitude)

There is enormous power in the simple habit of counting our blessings.  Regular expressions of gratitude promote optimism, better health and greater satisfaction in living our lives.  How often should you sit down and get present to all the stuff that you can be grateful for?  You might think daily and yet the science suggests that this does not work.  It is more effective to do make this a weekly exercise – make it a habit to take time out once a week to get present (make a list) of all that you can be grateful for and who you are grateful to.  Do this rigorously and we have the opportunity to get present to the huge contribution so many people (many of them strangers) make to our lives and how much we have grateful for.  For example, this morning I gave thanks for the hot shower simply by turning a tap and the gorgeous smell of coconut soap!

The Amish practice this everyday – they give thanks before they eat (“Living With the Amish”).

2.  Pay Attention (Mindfulness)

Studies show that mindfulness (being present in and to the present moment including self, others, the environment) matters.  Mindful people have stronger immune systems and are less likely to be hostile and/or anxious.  If you practice mindfulness you will be amazed at how disconnected you are from your body (living in the mind) and the present moment (living in the past and or the future continuously).  With practice we become more and more present and thus make the most of the present.

3.  Keep Friends Close

Make time for those closest to you.  I am particularly present to this as I have been immersed in a web of rich conversation with people that matter to me over the Christmas period.  Research shows that social connections are the key to happiness (the Amish totally get this).  And the quality of the social connections matter more than the quantity.

I find it interesting that the Amish practice this as well – they live with and work with their family members every day and they live within a community and within each community they know the people (their lives, live histories, the key people in their lives) – not just names of the people.

4. Drop Grudges (Forgiveness)

Research shows convincingly that when we forgive those who have wronged us, we feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions and feel closer to others.  In the course of watching “Living With The Amish” I got present to how wise the Amish are – they actively practice forgiveness.  An example was given of a gunman that shot dead 10 young Amish children whilst they were at school: despite the incredible loss the parents publicly forgave the gunman!  That is a hard ask and yet think about whose lives would have been the most damaged if they had not forgiven:  the lives of the Amish parents, their children and the people in their community.

There is a zen tale related to this.  One day a renowned and fierce samurai turns up to see a zen master.  Face to face the samurai asks “I am tormented.  I have travelled far and wide and asked many yet I have not attained the answer I am looking for.  What is the difference between Heaven and Hell.”  The zen master ignores him.  The samurai asks again and is ignored again.  The samurai asks again – this time more forcefully.  The master responds “Get out of here you worthless dog!”.   No-one has ever talked this way to the samurai nor treated him this way.  Rage grips the samurai and he takes out his long sword and is about to bringing it down on the zen master and end his life.  Right there the zen master says “That is Hell”.  The samurai gets it – right there – the sword falls from his hand.  Then tears flow from the face of the samurai – he gets that the zen master had put his own life at stake to be of service to him (the samurai).  When the zen master says that change of state in the samurai he says “That is heaven”.   I hope you get what this tale is getting at.

5.  Move (Exercise)

Regular exercise increases self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and may well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all.  Again, it is interesting to note that the physical work plays such a large role in their lived lives – from dawn to dusk the Amish families work together making stuff and taking care of the necessities of life.

6.  Practice Kindness

Being kind to others makes us feel good.  Altruistic acts light up the same pleasure centres in the brain as food and sex!  Again I find it interesting that the Amish practice kindness vigorously when it comes to their community, their Church.  The make a point of sharing each other’s sorrows, they help each other out e.g. barnraising, they celebrate together…… Kind of explains why sex, fancy food and material goods (and riches) do not have the same hold on the Amish that they have on many of us.

A Handy Reminder

You can download a handy reminder of these practices by clicking on the following link:  Six Habits of Happiness

I thank you for listening and taking part in this conversation.

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How present am I to the moments of delight?


Yesterday I driving the Mercedes with the sunroof and four other windows open.  I was in a little bit of a hurry to get to my end destination as my eldest son was waiting for me.  Then suddenly the breeze kissing my cheeks and playing with my hair was noticed by me.  I stopped: that habitually “I” was stopped in it’s track.  In it’s place was present joy – simple delight in being alive.  And then gratitude gave me a big hug.  gratitude for the brother that bought the Mercedes for me and keeps it in good order.  gratitude for being alive and being able to drive – fast.  gratitude for the breeze on a hot day.  And gratitude for family and friends…….

Then I got present to this simple fact:  most of the time wonder is present in the ordinary moments (like a cup of tea or the smile of a fellow human being)  yet the  “I” is so wrapped up in “getting somewhere”, “doing something”, “making something happen”, “not tripping up”, “making the best use of my time” and such like.  The absurdity is that the “I” says it wants to be happy yet it is so wrapped up for its happiness plan that all the raindrops of happiness land on the desert.

So the answer to the question is that in my everyday automatic way of being I am not present to the moments of delight.  That does not mean that the world is not full of them.  And if I want to experience the joy of these moments then I need simply to be present – to be aware, to be mindful, to move from the mind to the body and simply view the world from the lens of “what works” rather that “what does not work” and the lens of “gratitude” rather than that of “complaint”.

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On the beauty of life and living


This week, the sun shone;  joy arose, smiling all over!

This week, saw two birds (one a little red robin) dancing about in my garden; joy arose, smiling all over!

This week, young and old, male and female, laughing and dancing in Egypt; joy arose, tears down my face!

This week, a human being I have met only once touched my life by putting her trust in me and making herself vulnerable; gratitude, respect, joy arose – are present today.

Beautiful smiling face looked right at me and gave me the right of way my path was blocked by a line of parked cars;  delight, joy, gratitude – you see me, you care!

Independence is an illusion. You  (the sun, the birds, my fellow human beings) and I dance in the web of life; relationship everywhere – open your heart and you will experience it.