Live is full of experiences – some of them painful
Come take a walk with me down memory lane. Imagine that you are around 7 years of age, it is autumn, it is cold, you have just got off the school bus and you are walking home with you school bag slung over your shoulders. After a five-minute walk you are happy to arrive home. You knock on the door. To your surprise, your father opens the door instead of your mother. You and your father don’t get along so you are already a little anxious.
There is a problem: you want to get into the house and your father doesn’t let you. There he is, a big strong man, standing at the door and refusing to let you in. “Why?” you ask and he says something like “This is not your home. You are not my son. You’re not allowed to come in, go away!” You are only 8 years old, you are puzzled, wondering what is going on here. So you ask “Where’s my mum?” and your father tells you she is not at home. So you wonder what has happened to your mother – you love your mother.
Puzzled, cold, frightened you plead with your father to let you in: you tell him that you are his son, that this is your home and you plead with him to let you in. He stands his ground insisting that this is not your home and that you not his son. This goes on for something like 10 minutes. Then something changes for you – tears flow down your cheeks as you turn around and walk back the way that you came.
Lets stop for a minute. You the 8 year old child, walking away from home, what do you say to yourself? Take a moment, given your experience, what is the conversation that you are having with yourself as you are walking away with tears running down your cheeks?
Here is the position that I took and the prison I entered into
I am that 7 year old child walking away thinking that I am all alone. As I walk I tell myself that I will never see my mother again: maybe she is dead, maybe she has left and taken my brother with her. I wonder where is my brother, will I ever see him again? Then it hits me: how am I going to survive? Who can I count on to help me, to look after me, to care for me? My mother! But she is not here and I don’t know where she is.
What would you say to yourself, if you were in my shoes, experiencing what I am experiencing, speaking what I am speaking to myself?
Here is what I said. From somewhere I heard these words spoken with absolute confidence: “There is nobody that I can count on to help me. That’s OK, I’ll count on myself. I will survive, no matter what it takes, and I will find my mother and my brother. I don’t need anyone, I can do this by myself!” Repeating these words, the tears dried up, my back stiffened and fierce resolve took hold. That is the day the 7 year old child gave up his childhood and became a ‘man’.
Every position has a payoff
I didn’t just speak those words. I became convinced that my speaking was a truth about myself, people and the world. And from then onwards my living, my life was shaped by that position. What do I mean? I wouldn’t say that I did not ask anyone for anything, I would say that I never asked anyone for anything that mattered and they might say no. No way, was I going to repeat the experience that I had experienced with my father. No way was I going to allow people to let me down and upset me.
So from the age of 7, I stopped asking for and expecting any help from anyone. I was the hero of my life and I was going to do it all myself: I dived into the Greek legends full of heroes and heroism – I read these legends every day. I got totally absorbed with Alistair MacLean novels – full of heroes, villans, adventure. I stopped showing any weakness and focussed relentlessly on doing well. And by the age of 30 I attained everything that I set out to attain: I had my own flat that I loved; I was being paid a great salary and had lots of money; I was driving a BMW; I had my own office; and I was managing businesses
Every position has a cost
The position I took at the age of 7 sounds marvellous doesn’t it. Look at the fruits it delivered: money, status, power, possessions… Don’t fool yourself and don’t be fooled, every position has a cost: imagine each position as a stick with one end being the payoff and the other end being the cost – a stick always has two ends. So what was the cost?
The cost was that I was alone. I stood alone, always. I relied on no-one and I never asked anyone for anything. I always had to be strong, I could never be weak: if any signs of vulnerability, of weakness showed up then I despised myself and stamped upon these weaknesses. How did that show up? I had a small circle of friends that I had made at university and loved (Tim, Jim, Dave, Andy, John, Simon) and I was distant from just about everyone else. It would be fair to say that whilst people valued my efficacy then did not want to party with me. I was lonely whenever I was not occupied with work and personal development.
Ah, personal development, that was my religion – relentlessly focussed on learning and developing myself. That had come in handy and delivered the fruits and yet in the process I had become addicted: there was always something more to learn, something to change/improve about myself….. What did I do with my free time and money? Spend it on personal development as I had be stronger, more capable, more resilient – after all I am on my own right and I have to face the whole world!
How to dismantle your positions and why I will never forget Karl
I, you, the self is made up of many positions, we call them beliefs. During my participation in Landmark Education courses I got present to and let go of many of my positions (the prison bars that construct the self) and thus opened myself up to freedom and self-expression that I had never experienced before. Yet, there was one position, the one I have shared with you here, that I would not let go of. That was until the day that I chose to step out of my position.
I was participating in the ILP course. To get certified, to achieve the outcome, I had to do a whole bunch of stuff. I was committed to achieving the outcome and the issue was that I was struggling with the ‘bunch of stuff’ that I had to do. The more I insisted on doing it myself, not asking for help, the more I struggled and the more I fell behind. Finally, out of desperation, and at the insistence of my coach I asked for help. No help came: the first person was busy; the second person was busy; the third person I could not get hold of; the fourth person was busy…. I had left it too late – to the very last minute to ask for help and all of these coaches were busy helping others who had asked for their help. What did I make it mean? How stupid of me to listen to my coach and ask for help: hadn’t life taught me that I couldn’t count on anyone else!
Shortly thereafter, I was assisting at a Landmark seminar – setting up the room so that it was just so. One of the people doing that work was a chap called Karl. Karl and I got talking and in that talking I shared what I was doing with/at/via Landmark. When he found out that I was on the ILP course he told me that he had gone through it. He asked me about how I was doing. I told him the truth – I am good at being straight with myself and others.
To my shock, Karl volunteered to help me. That’s right, he volunteered to help me, without me asking. Karl set aside a full day – a full day – of his time to coach me and coach me he did. Again and again and again: we started the work around 10am and we finished around about 7pm. I expected the work to last about 2 – 3 hours. The love oozed out of Karl – he was patient, he was demanding, he was ruthless and behind it all was love.
When I was getting ready to leave, I gave Karl a big hug and thanked him for his contribution to my life. He had helped me to dismantle the position that had run my life to that day. Karl had shown me that my position was false. I can count on people to help me, I do not have to do it all on my own and I cannot do it all on my own. And I experienced joy in doing the work with Karl – collaborating with a fellow human being. Karl thanked me. Yes, he thanked me for spending the day with him. “What? I have taken a day of your life and you are thanking me! What is going on here? Are you simply being polite?” Karl told me that life had been a struggle for the last six months or so – some days he had found it hard to get out of bed. He had lost his job, his marriage had fell apart, his wife had taken the children with her and he only got to see them at weekends…..
Then Karl told me something that opened up my world, offering me an opening to asking for help from a context that I had never considered. What did Karl say? Karl told me that me asking for his help, being open to his help, taking his coaching for the whole day it allowed him to experience being worthwhile. Our interacting had impacted us both deeply. I was not the only one who had dropped a position that curtailed my freedom and locked me into prison, Karl had done the same. Through our interexperiencing Karl let go of his position that he was a failure, that he had nothing worthwhile to contribute. Instead, he experienced being useful and powerful – the Karl that he used to experience himself as.
Putting in place a more powerful position
What happens when you take out all the old furniture from your living room / lounge and send it away? You are left with an empty room, right? What happens with this empty room? It gets full again – either all in one go or in little steps. Right?
The same applies to the human mind and positions. So the trick is to replace old positions that limit you and your freedom and replace them with powerful positions that provide you with freedom and self-expression. What did I do? I replaced the position “I can’t count on anyone so there is no point in asking anyone for anything; I’ll do it all by myself” with:
- “I will ask people for their help whenever I need help and sometimes when I do not need the help. I will give people an opportunity to contribute to me and in so doing I am contributing to them: allowing them to get present to being useful, being powerful, being worthwhile, being great human beings.”
How powerful is that? For me, powerful.
Question for me, for you, for us
Am I, are you, are we willing to search for, examine, let go of the positions(beliefs, fixed points of view, decisions) that limit us, that restrict us, that are the bars of the prison we construct around ourselves? And replace them with positions that provide the context for freedom, self-expression, joy and power: the power to create the life / the world that we are up for living in? I know where I stand. What about you? Are you up for a life of freedom, self-expression, joy and living powerfully?
I thank your for your listening and I love you: I know, that like me, you are a soul whose intentions are good and underneath all the muck you are a ‘god’. Do you get that? Really, do you get that?