Son, is this who I am? Let me be truthful with myself and with you

A birthday card that makes me cry!

This month we celebrated my birthday and as usual the question was “What do you want for your birthday?”.  As usual my answer was “I am blessed, I don’t need anything.  Really, I don’t need anything.  What I’d like is heartfelt, handmade card from you to me.”  And that is what I got.  The one that really captured my heart is this one:

When I read this card for the first time I was deeply touched and moved to tears.  Every time I read this card I am deeply touched – the tears just flow down my cheeks.  Great, this card makes me feel good.  The deeper, more interesting, question, for me, is this one: “Is it true?  Is this an accurate description of me?”

Who am i?

I am clear that “i” does not live up to the picture that my son paints.  What do I mean by “i”?  What / who am I pointing at/towards?  When I use the term “i” I am pointing at the automatic machinery of human beings.  The machinery that is always there, always running, and which runs me.  What are the characteristics of this machinery, this “i”?  In my case I associate the following with my “i”: selfish, critical, safety seeking, negative, impatient, intolerant, aggressive, unhelpful, manipulative, looking for approval, seeking admiration, lying, pretense, cowardly, focussed on me, me, me and my survival.  Not a flattering picture is it?  Yet, if I am to accept the picture painted by my son it occurs to me that I must also be present to and mindful of this aspect of me.

Who am I?

I am clear that who I am is not “i”.  That is to say that I am clear that I am not my automatic machinery – the “i”.   I am clear that I am the conscious, self-determining being, who declares that I am the author of my life.  I am the person who totally gets “At all times, under all circumstances, I have the power to transform my life”.   I am clear that I am the person who has invented and entered myself into ‘playing BIG’ of living an ‘extraordinary’ life, of being of service, of being a source of contribution, of co-creating a ‘world that works’ none excluded.

What does that mean for me, my living, my life?

To show up as the kind of person that my son writes about, is proud of, and loves it takes something.  First, I have to be constantly mindful that the default condition of human existence is “i” and the game that goes with that ‘playing small’.  Second, I have to create myself as the “I” that is committed to be ‘playing BIG‘; living an ‘extraordinary’ life; being of service / contribution to my fellow human beings; putting something into life; being a stand for a ‘world that works’ none excluded.   Third, I have to keep “I” and the game that I is playing in existence.  And a fundamental part of keep “I” and the game I is playing in existence is telling the truth.

So here is my truth for you my son.  If I was as great as you say I am then your card would not mean anything to me.  My truth is that often and frequently I am not being the person that you describe and that you are proud of.  Yet, I am clear that my stand is to be the kind of person that you describe, that you are proud of, that you love.  And living from that context I am deeply touched by your card and the the small contribution I have made to your life.  Your act of kindness towards the beggar moves-touches me deeply and inspires me to be my Stand and play full out to be a source of contribution to you, our fellow human beings and Life itself.  And within that context, falling short of the mark encourages me redouble my Being and my effort.  I love you. 


Author: Maz Iqbal

Experienced management consultant working at the intersection of strategy, customer, and technology. Combine a tendency to think strategically with a penchant for getting my hands dirty at the coalface of implementation.

4 thoughts on “Son, is this who I am? Let me be truthful with myself and with you”

    1. Hello “butimbeautiful”

      Thank you. If the post is a source of inspiration then it fulfilled its purpose! I hope you will join me in ‘playing BIG’. I wish you joy and extraordinary living.

      At your service and with my love
      Maz

      Like

  1. Maz,

    Being a mother of 3 kids, I totally relate to this story.

    You have inspired me to try and play the game of ‘playing BIG’ at times, forgetting it when I’m busy catching up on life, the rest of the time. As all of us are, we tend to be highly critical of ourselves.

    I believe your automatic machinery is a combination of who you see yourself as and how your son sees you – not as distinct as how you view yourself to be. Your son is your best mirror of how the world sees you and how you have raised him by way of your living example.

    It is a humbling experience, perhaps sometimes scary to feel the weight of responsibility and influence we have as parents on our children – good or bad.

    You are blessed indeed for having a family that loves you and adores you.

    Happy Birthday Maz, praying that you have many more and that you are blessed with your family’s love, always…

    Like

    1. Hello dearest Azilenna,

      Upon listening to your speaking tears flowed down my cheeks. What a privilege to know that my existence – speaking and sharing – contributes to your living. What a privilege to learn that my speaking inspires you to take on and enter fully into the game of ‘playing BIG’. I am delighted for you, for your children (all three of them), for your family and for the world.

      Please know that You Matter, I am grateful that you exist. Through your sharing you have contributed to my living and provided me with fuel to living my stand of ‘playing BIG’.

      I love you: I know that like me, you are a great soul whose intentions are good!

      Maz

      Like

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